


Synapse

by eightminutes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1420279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eightminutes/pseuds/eightminutes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten months after the last Titan was spotted, Erwin runs into Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Synapse

He sees Levi by accident.

He’s standing by the fruit stand, looking at the apples. Erwin watches him pick one up, turn it over and press into it gingerly. He’s talking to the owner, his face uncommonly relaxed as he reaches over and drops a few coins into the seller’s hand. Erwin’s dizzy as he walks towards him, not feeling the ground below.

"Levi."

Levi turns with military precision, locking eyes with Erwin for a terrible second. The owner startles, looking between them.

The relief that washes over him is momentarily suspended when Levi narrows his eyes in foreign suspicion before averting them to the ground. He’s forgotten the terms they’d ended on, swallowing thickly as he waits a few feet away from Levi. He looks the same, if not oddly small in just a simple jacket and pants. His hair is more unkempt than Erwin has ever seen it, windswept across his face. He reaches for the sack the owner hands him, pockets the change and turns towards Erwin, face schooled back to neutral.

They regard each other in silence. Erwin’s sweet persuasions and words are gone when seeing Levi in the flesh. Someone else approaches the fruit stand and he has to take a step toward Erwin.

Erwin clears his throat. “Were you on your way to something?”

Levi starts to shake his head but thinks better of it. “I was just stopping by.” At another time, Erwin allows himself to indulge in the novelty of hearing Levi’s voice for the first time in so long. This isn’t a town people stopped off at, and Erwin wants to ask where Levi’s coming from and where he’s going.

“How are you?” Erwin asks, and then adds, “You seem well.”

“I am well,” Levi says. They both step to the side to avoid the line of people walking through the market.

“Do you want tea?” Erwin asks, though he still cannot quite believe it. “I don’t live too far from here.” Levi looks down at his parcel of apples and hesitates for a long moment. Erwin watches him with wretched misery as Levi looks up, frowning.

“I need to see my horse first,” Levi says, and it takes Erwin far too long to realize that was a yes. Levi follows Erwin through the town square, falling into step on his right side until they reach the stables.

Levi reaches into his satchel and retrieves an apple, running his palm down the bridge of his horse’s nose affectionately. Seeing Levi combing his fingers through the mane, Levi suddenly so small in his civilian clothes, raises something terribly possessive in Erwin.

"Stay the night," Erwin says, a lot more forceful than he intended. Levi looks at him, saying nothing. Erwin feels desperate. "It’ll be dark soon. You can leave tomorrow."

Levi’s hand has stilled, and his horse nudges him, searching for more apples. Erwin thinks Levi will say no. Levi reaches in for another apple before he glances at Erwin.

Belatedly, Erwin realizes that Levi is still upset. He had expected anger, but not this strange melancholy that has Levi reconsidering every word he says around Erwin. He supposes he deserves it.

"Just the night," Levi says.

"Of course."

Erwin’s house is small and bare, no different from the room he had occupied in the headquarters for so many years. Levi looks around and Erwin can already see his hands itching. He takes a few steps in, and stops as if waiting for Erwin’s permission, before deciding it’s already been given. He places his satchel by the door, and from what Erwin can see, Levi doesn’t carry much with him. After hanging up his jacket, Erwin holds his hand out for Levi’s. Levi stares at him with something like dread, the tips of his ears red.

“Oh,” Erwin says, “so that’s where it went.”

He had forgotten about the jacket Levi had borrowed those years past, hadn’t even realized when he first saw Levi because it seemed so natural on his body. Levi glares as if daring Erwin to say another word as he shrugs off the jacket.

“It’s not like I meant to take it,” Levi says, eyeing Erwin levely. “It was just there.”

“Of course,” Erwin replies.

Erwin walks towards the kitchen and searches through the pantries. There’s not much beyond bread, cheese and cured meats, and he wonders how he’d forgotten to get anything from the market today. He’s not even sure if the tea is alright - it’d been a gift from no one in particular at some indistinct point in his career. With some effort, Erwin starts a fire and sets the kettle on top to boil. Levi asks to use the bathroom and a minute later Erwin hears the sound of running water while he slices the cheese and meats against the holder he’d attached to his cutting board.

Levi comes back when the kettle starts whining, padding into the room almost carefully while Erwin finishes laying everything on the plates. If Levi thinks Erwin’s cuts are uneven, he says nothing, grabbing both tea cups while Erwin brings out the tray.

"I suppose you’ve been traveling," Erwin starts. Levi nods, taking a sip of his tea. Erwin stirs in two spoonfuls of sugar, then adds another because he remembers he didn’t buy milk. Levi looks on with disgust.

"That’s going to kill you one day."

They’re both startled by Erwin’s laugh. A splash of tea spills across the table and Levi is looking at him as if he’s gone insane. Erwin doesn’t know how to explain himself, when the thought of an extra spoonful of sugar is so absurd after they’d lived such precarious lives.

Levi seems on edge the entire night, pausing at different points in Erwin’s small house as if attempting to memorize each crack and blister in the wooden walls. After dinner, Erwin usually indulges in a book, any one of the thousands that were banned for the past century, and he offers to read one to Levi. Levi shifts in his chair before asking if he could take a bath.

Erwin points out the tub in the corner of the kitchen, connected to a complex set of pipes Erwin had installed to transport heated water easily. He stays in the living room, separated from the kitchen by only a thin partition, listening to the soft sloshes of water and only half pretending to read his book. It’s something inane on military tactics that Pixis had given to him at the height of the war, as a joke, and Erwin finds the topic even less relevant now that the war was over. His vision blurs as he listens to the water splash about the tub.

Erwin wakes with with a start. Levi’s fingertips are just inches from his shoulder, squeezed in Erwin’s bone-crushing grip. If it hurts, Levi doesn’t show it. Erwin’s still breathing hard when he lets go shakily.

"Sorry. I must have fallen asleep," Erwin says, voice hoarse. The book lies open on the ground, next to where Erwin has slumped into the chair. Erwin pulls himself up, rolling out the crick in his shoulder and feeling disheveled.

"Good dream?" Levi asks.

"It’s a recurring one," Erwin answers circuitously. It’s a lot darker outside and Erwin wonders what the time is. Levi’s in undershorts and a shirt as he moves back towards the kitchen.

“I boiled more water for you,” Levi calls out from the kitchen. When Erwin walks in, Levi has his fingers dipped into the tub, swirling it slowly. “The temperature is good,” he says.

Erwin looks at him fondly and thinks of the months they’ve missed. “Thank you.” When he comes out, Erwin finds Levi sitting on the chair, thumbing through the book.

“You read this shit?” Levi says by way of greeting, and Erwin has to smile at that.

“It’s a bit dry isn’t it?”

Levi scoffs, his eyes roaming over Erwin’s shoulders and down briefly to where a towel is tied around his waist. He stands and stretches, nodding towards Erwin’s bedroom. “I don’t suppose you have a spare bed?”

Erwin’s bed is barely enough for the both of them, leaving the slightest gap between Levi’s back and Erwin’s chest when they both maneuver in. Erwin stares at the short tufts of hair at the back of Levi’s neck, illuminated by the soft light coming from the window. They’ve done this before during extended campaigns, in even closer quarters pressed chest to back for warmth, but something burns electric when Erwin brushes a few fingers across Levi’s shoulder.

Levi jolts and jerks his head back to stare at Erwin. Erwin tucks his arm back in the small space between them, and smiles apologetically.

“Good night,” he whispers.

—-

Erwin wakes to an empty bed and doesn’t entirely understand why he feels different until he realizes he is facing the wrong side of the room. He stares at the wall, wondering where Levi is when the gap between Erwin and the edge of the bed seems almost made for Levi’s size. He’s surprised he isn’t entirely upset, just feels as if he’d been cut from the cord and frayed.

Sometimes he dreams of Levi, sometimes he dreams of the king, and sometimes he dreams of the Titans. He wakes up with his right arm clenched tight about his neck sometimes and breathes in and out slowly to loosen its grip, all the while telling himself it’s no longer there. Today he wakes with his right arm around Levi’s shoulders, the Levi of his mind slotting perfectly against his body.

Instead, he finds Levi in the backyard, hunched over a small barrel and washboard, and only because the quite conspicuous pile of dirty laundry is missing from his bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Erwin asks, walking over. There are already a few pieces hanging from the clothesline. Levi glances up before continuing the work. “Levi, you don’t have to. If you’re trying to repay me for dinner or something -”

Levi tosses whatever piece of clothing he is holding back into the barrel with a wet plop, sending sudsy water across the ground and across his own shirt. There is a momentary flash of annoyance in his eyes when he glances up at Erwin.

“Don’t be weird,” Levi says, picking up what looks to be Erwin’s shirt as if nothing had happened, “I needed to wash my own clothes and you’re a mess.”

Erwin supposes he is and doesn’t argue when Levi takes a broom and mop to Erwin’s house. Levi stays that night, explaining there is no point in leaving when his clothes are still on the clothesline.

—-

“I really don’t think this is necessary,” Erwin says as Levi ties one of Erwin’s old shirts around his neck. It’s several days after Levi first came to Erwin’s house, though neither of them seem to acknowledge Levi’s extended stay. Levi is always already gone from the bed by the time Erwin wakes, at the market or with his horse or wiping down some part of Erwin’s house, but Erwin doesn’t dare fall back on this small comfort. He tells himself Levi can leave at any time, isn’t even obliged to tell Erwin.

“Of course it is,” Levi says, from somewhere behind him. “Your hair is a mess.”

Lately, it seems that everything about Erwin is a mess, and Levi can’t leave until everything has been fixed into place.

“It’s a bit long,” Erwin admits. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s had it cut now that there’s no need to keep a careful tab on hair length. Levi walks around the chair and brushes Erwin’s bangs to the side carefully. Erwin swallows, focusing on the space between Levi’s eyebrows.

“I need to wet it a bit first,” Levi says, fetching a bowl of water from the kitchen. He drags wet fingers through Erwin’s hair, some of it trickling down the back of his neck where Levi wipes it up deft fingers before it can slip any lower. With alarming clarity, Erwin realizes this is the first time they’ve really touched, barring accidental brushes and the first night when Levi had startled him awake. Levi combs through Erwin’s hair carefully with his fingers, working through the tangles slowly enough that Erwin barely feels the pull. He doesn’t remember a moment he’d been so meticulous about his hair. He hadn’t minded the length, but Levi had been the one haggling him for the better part of yesterday, though he’s not sure why Levi had been so keen on bringing back the old commander.

“So what have you been up to now that you’re not overthrowing the government?” Levi asks.

“Who says I’m not?” Erwin returns. Levi scoffs, and Erwin feels the hot breath of it fan over his hair.

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Levi says. His hand still in his hair. “Isn’t it incredible that no one in this shit town recognizes who you are?”

Erwin tenses despite himself. “I didn’t do it for the recognition.”

“You did it for humanity,” Levi says, like an overstated mantra. “You lost that arm for humanity too, and what have the fat pigs in Sina done for you?”

“Levi,” Erwin warns. He feels something simmering in annoyance. “Are you still angry about that?”

Levi pauses for a treacherous moment, then bites out, “I was angry.” He grabs the razor and pushes Erwin’s head down, far rougher than he’d been so far. “I wish you were angry.”

Erwin so rarely rises to anger, though he recounts easily how angry he’d been when Levi’d come to his office two months after the last Titan sighting, bearing a form for him. It was the record that he’d returned his gear and uniform, Levi said, as Erwin had looked up and realized Levi was just in slacks and a jacket. Later, he thinks about Levi in the laundry room, Levi in the courtyard hanging everything to air dry. He wonders how many days Levi had walked around headquarters in his civilian clothes, and why he’d never noticed.

"The ceremony’s tomorrow," Erwin had said.

Levi’s eyes snapped up, intense. “That’s why.”

"You’re the guest of honor."

"I’m not going to celebrate a fucking massacre."

Erwin had said, out of an irrational burst of anger (better anger than desperation), and said it like an order. “I expect you there.”

The press of cold metal against his hair is soothing, He’s not going to insult Levi by asking him why he didn’t come, especially when orders hold no power for those no longer bound by rules of the military.

"You’re so tense," Levi says above him. When he touches Erwin’s neck, it’s with his fingers, not the blade. "You need to move on."

It sounds strange coming from Levi, but what does he know? Erwin’s the one living in this town, waiting for news from the capital every day and reading forgotten books. 

"I did," Erwin says, though it sounds weak. Levi presses his fingers tenderly into the base of Erwin’s neck. 

"Get out from behind the walls," Levi says. There are no more walls, Erwin wants to say, but he gets it. "Hey Erwin…"

"Yes?" Erwin finally prompts, but Levi says no more.

Levi smooths the blade over the back of Erwin’s neck a last time, before brushing loose strands off with deft fingers. He walks to the front again, one hand around Erwin’s jaw to tilt his head to the side. Erwin’s aware that Levi’s done an excellent job but he doesn’t mind the careful way Levi studies him.

“It looks good,” Levi finally says. His fingers linger on Erwin’s jaw.

—-

Erwin doesn’t wake up to an empty bed, but Levi turned towards him. He doesn’t remember Levi taking his nightshirt off before bed, but he lies there shirtless, though Erwin doesn’t let his eyes wander yet.

“Good morning,” Erwin says, voice rough. Levi stares at him, cheek on one hand, and looks as content as Levi has ever. “No chores to run to this morning?”

Levi stares at him a bit longer before sitting up, and Erwin has to school himself not to pull Levi back down. “No chores, but maybe you need help shaving. You look like shit right now.”

The insult is only half-hearted, especially when Levi reaches out to stroke Erwin’s cheek with the back of his fingers. There’s hesitancy, but when Erwin makes no move away, Levi drags two fingers across Erwin’s lips. The tips of his ears are red when Erwin opens his mouth slightly to nip once at Levi’s knuckles.

He can see the bob of Levi’s throat when he says, “I should leave.”

Erwin’s prepared himself for this, so he imagines his voice even when he says, “If you want to, I won’t stop you.” It takes him months, but he finally gets why Levi left that night. But Levi stays where he is, trailing his finger along Erwin’s jawline.

 

“I probably shouldn’t say this,” Levi says, “but I want you to know.” Erwin sits up.

“Maybe you shouldn’t say it,” Erwin says gently. He thinks he knows what Levi wants to talk about, and he’s sorry they didn’t have more time.

Levi looks like he’ll consider it, but then says in a rush, as if afraid to take back, “If you had said anything then, I would have stayed. If you wanted me.”

I did want you, Erwin thinks, but it wouldn’t have worked. He considers apologizing.

“I won’t ask you to stay,” Erwin says instead. “But come back to me.”

Levi lets out a breath and looks strangely like a schoolboy chastised. Erwin looks at Levi’s maneuver gear scars, in neat lines along his torso, welts and blossoms of white keloids even after so many years, and wonders why he’d never noticed them. Slowly, he shifts closer to press his lips to the mass at the top of Levi’s shoulder. Levi sucks in a breath, imperceptible were Erwin not so cautious. He doesn’t want to be careful right now, wants to do something reckless and unplanned.

“You’re lovely,” Erwin says against Levi’s skin, kissing a spot just an inch away. They are not touching but for where Erwin’s lips are connected to the sinuous muscles running from Levi’s shoulder to neck, which Erwin follows like a trail to the base of his throat. Levi lifts his hand to the back of Erwin’s neck, bringing him closer, and like a spell broken, Erwin kisses the corner of Levi’s lips, cradling his head gently in his hand. He pulls back to watch Levi’s dazed expression, the way his lips shudder.

Sometimes, he wonders what it would have been like if they’d met after the war, if they hadn’t danced around the roles of commander and captain. He doesn’t dwell on the thought much, even though he has so much time to wallow in self-flagellation had he desired. It wasn’t a matter of propriety so much as fear of tying an anchor to something meant to fly. Because underneath his stoic acceptance, Levi wanted to live in a way Erwin never had to contend with.

Levi kisses him, angles his head and kisses Erwin no matter how they bump noses and don’t quite fit right the first time. He nudges his nose into the side of Erwin’s, runs his lips along Erwin’s cheeks before his mouth finds Erwin’s again.

Erwin jolts when Levi touches the stump of his arm. Levi pulls back, guilty, and Erwin fights down the urge to return to the safety of refusal.

"Does it hurt?" Levi asks carefully.

"No," he answers. Then he amends, "Sometimes. Don’t be sorry.” For once, he wants to explain. “You can do that again. Sometimes I can’t really control it.”

At least Levi doesn’t pretend to understand.

"It doesn’t hurt that much," Erwin says, rushing on now that he’s started. "Most of the time, my hand’s just clenched up, or it moves itself somewhere."

Levi doesn’t look at him like he’s insane, and that much is immense comfort.

"Where is it now?" Levi asks instead. Erwin can lie but he doesn’t.

"It’s over your chest," Erwin says, and there’s something beautiful about the way Levi’s lips part for the briefest second, glancing down as if expecting to see Erwin’s hand there. Levi looks up at Erwin, as if for permission, before he curls right hand in a salute, molding to where Erwin’s hand would be.

"I offer you my heart," Levi whispers, terribly soft. Erwin doesn’t hesitate then to pull him close, press their chests flush against one another and kiss him fiercely. Levi pushes them down, climbing on top of Erwin with a grace Erwin hadn’t known he missed.

——

Later, Erwin presses a kiss to Levi’s temple, his flushed cheeks, his hair still tousled. Levi is still warm and perfect and in his arms.

"You’re always welcome here," Erwin says, "But I want to know what inspired you to stay."

Levi’s profile is soft against the window. He reaches up for Erwin, fingers pressing into the sharp jut of Erwin’s cheek.

"I wanted to tell you how beautiful it was to see rain falling on a lake," Levi murmurs.

Erwin presses his nose into Levi’s hair. “You make it sound as if I’ve never seen rain.”

“I didn’t come randomly,” Levi explains. “Hange told me you lived here.”

Erwin doesn’t find it surprising, had already expected something like that when Levi first said he’d just been stopping by. He feels Levi pull away, shifting to sit up so that his body folds half over Erwin’s.

"Wherever I went, whatever I saw, my first thought was that I should show you," he says. His eyes are lucid and so bright, even in the gray light. "Come with me next time."

Erwin’s already answered him a million ways, but he says yes all the same.

**Author's Note:**

> REAL WORDS NOW: I wasn’t really sure how to approach this cause I don’t think they’ll survive? This fic has undergone so many revisions and was originally so much sadder. I’m not sure how any of the characters would react to a world without Titans, and I think you sent this before Erwin lost his arm. Even if they do survive the war, Erwin would probs die some horrific death for something like treason (think Pierre Laval style - google it)


End file.
